


Dr. Phil Files, The

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Humor, M/M, Multi, Relationship(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-19
Updated: 2008-02-19
Packaged: 2018-11-21 00:42:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11346474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Dr. Phil tries to help the dysfunctional world of the x files





	Dr. Phil Files, The

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** nah.i don't think so.

  
Author's notes: nah.i don't think so.  


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Dr. Phil Files, The

## Dr. Phil Files, The

### by Dana Katherine

##### [Story Headers]

  


If you don't watch The X-files here's the basic jist: Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are the most kick-ass FBI agents of all time. Mulder's sister Samantha was abducted by aliens when she was 8. He searches for her with every fiber of his being. Scully eventually believes him after he convinces her of the truth. Mulder and Scully love each other. For ever and ever. No one can change that. However, the scrawny, deceitful little spy Krycek hates that. Nobody likes poor baby Krycek. But he loves Mulder. (Not really, it's just my twisted sense of humor.) He hates Scully. He calls her Satan.  
Skinner is their boss. He likes Scully because she is one tough chick. Dr. Phil is a mindless failure.  
The Cigarette-Smoking-Man is uber mysterious. He knows everything. 

Let the games begin. 

Dr. Phil: Well, everyone, we have an 'interesting' show for you today. Let's inchroduce our first guest, Alex Krycek!!! 

[Krycek comes out wearing a white cashmere mock turtleneck with skinny jeans and the audience cheers. He sits down in a chair and folds his hands in his lap.] 

Krycek: Hello, Dr. Phil. 

Dr. Phil: You're welcome. Alex, why don't you tell us about cherself? 

Krycek: Okay, well, my name is Alex Krycek--- 

Dr.Phil: No shit, Sherlock. I just said that. 

Krycek: Um, okay, I am in love with Mulder--- 

Dr.Phil: Who's Mulder? 

Krycek: A guy I used to work with--- 

Dr.Phil: A GUY you used ta work with? 

Krycek: Yes, I am gay--- 

Dr.Phil: Well ain't that special? 

Krycek: Yeah, um, can I just continue without being interrupted--- 

Dr.Phil: Sure thing, buttercup, if you're man enough to stop pausin in yer sentences. 

Krycek: Alright! I'm in love with Mulder but he is in love with Satan manifested as a redhead, and he hates me for trying to entice him. There! 

Dr.Phil: Men don't 'entice', pal. 

Krycek: Whatever, you balding failure! You have one weak-ass moustache! 

Dr.Phil: You're just jealous that you ain't man enough ta grow one. 

Krycek: Oh, for the love of God, PLEASE INTRODUCE ANOTHER **GUEST!!!!**

Dr.Phil: Okay, just settle down now, Eager McBeaver! Let's bring out Mulder! 

[Mulder comes out in his FBI suit looking very confused. The audience boos and throws chairs at him] 

Audience member: Why can't you just love him?! 

Krycek: [To the audience member] Way to go, brother, way to go. 

Mulder: [Under breath] What the hell did I agree to do?... 

Dr.Phil: So Mr. Mulder, Krycek here tells me that you just cain't love this lil' fella? 

Mulder: Uh, no sir, I can't love someone who spies on me. 

Krycek: THAT'S A LIE! [Gets out of chair to attack Mulder. Security people have to restrain them both] 

Mulder: Shut up, you limp-wristed pansy! 

Krycek: Well at least I don't love a GINGER! Seriously, Mulder, how can you even stand to breathe the same air as that....Feminazi? 

[Mulder breaks free and beats Krycek repeatedly in his soft face. Krycek tries to pull Mulder's hair, but can't hang on] Krycek: AHHHH! Curse your over-gelled hair![Krycek is restrained again. So is Mulder] 

Dr.Phil: Good Lord, we haiven't even brought out Dayna and you two are already goin' at it! 

Mulder: WHAT? Krycek, you dragged Scully into this?!? Who else is coming?! 

Krycek: You, me, Satan, Skinner, the cigarette smoking guy, your mom... 

Mulder: My mom? The smoking man?! Skinner?? Who the hell are you?! 

Dr.Phil: Yes, Mr. Mulder, we have a full show indeed! Let's bring out Dayna! 

[Scully comes out in a gray long sleeved shirt and dark jeans. They let Mulder go to hug her. They sit down in the couch and hold hands. The audience quits screaming.] 

Mulder: [Whispers to Scully] Why did you agree to come?!? 

Scully: [Whispers back] He told me that I will get a free coupon to Target. 

Mulder: WHAT THE HELL?!? I get a coupon to Bed, Bath N Beyond!! Krycek, why does she get a coupon to Target? 

Krycek: To get you two to fight over it, and once she tries to smite you, you will run into my tiny, soft arms once again. 

[Mulder get up to attack Krycek again. He is on the floor beating his tiny, soft body.] 

Krycek: NOOO!!! I bruise like a peach, stop it! 

[The security guard manages to pull Mulder off. They sit back down, but the guards are standing right behind them.] 

Dr. Phil: Okay, this is MY talk show, here, and I'M gonna ask some damn queschuns! So, Daina, tell us yer story, dear. 

Scully: Um, okay. Well, I always knew Krycek had a man-crush on Mulder, but I never thought it was real. 

Dr.Phil: A man-crush? Now what is a man-crush? 

Scully: When an allegedly straight man highly admires another allegedly straight man. 

Krycek: Oh yeah, leave it to the know-it-all Feminazi to explain something with a long, awkward scientific phrase! 

Scully: What the hell did you call me? [Raises fist to punch Krycek, but Mulder stops her.] 

Dr.Phil: [To Krycek] So anyways, buttercup, ya got a man-crush on me? [He gives a sultry smile and raises his eyebrows in an alluring fashion.] 

Krycek: Ew no! I love Mulder and only Mulder. And your accent is infuriating, to say the least. 

Dr.Phil: WHAT??? [Gets up to attack Krycek. Krycek kicks him in the stomach with his heel.] 

Dr.Phil: OHHHH, Buttercup, what was that for? Oh...that hurt. Hey...Man are ya wearing spike stilettos er sumpthin? 

Krycek: They are MEN'S stilettos. 

Mulder: [Scoffs] 

Krycek: Don't give me that bull, Mulder! You bought them for me! [Scully looks disgusted] 

Dr.Phil: [Groans] Okay, next guest: A.D. Skinner! 

[No one comes out] 

Mulder: I knew he wouldn't do this stupid shit. 

Skinner: [From backstage] You didn't call me what I requested to be called! 

Dr.Phil: Oh, my bad, yall. Please welcome Mr. Clean! 

[Skinner comes out wearing a white shirt tucked into white slacks.] 

Skinner: Nilla Face! [Does a flashy handshake with Mulder] 

Mulder: Wazzup Mista Kleen?? 

Scully: [Is shocked.] Sir?... 

Skinner: Oh. Greetings, Agent Scully.[He firmly shakes her hand and sits down, glaring at Krycek] 

Krycek: What? 

Skinner: [Through gritted teeth] You better not be bullshittn' me about that Mr. Clean coupon. 

Krycek: I'm not, I'm just glad you could come. 

Dr.Phil: [Pats Skinner on the back] Well, hey there fella, why don'tcha tell us yer story? 

Skinner: My name is Mr.Clean, and I am Mulder & Scully's boss. 

Dr.Phil: Well that's nice, but you have something else to say, don't you? 

Skinner: [Sigh] Yes. Yes I do. I should have said it a long time ago... 

Mulder: Are you fucking serious?! You're ACTUALLY participating in this dysfunctional show? 

Dr.Phil: You wanna talk dysfunctional, FOX? Well, let's bring out cher mom and see how ya like THAT? 

Mulder: NO! 

Dr.Phil: Then let Mr. Clean finish what he hasta say. 

Skinner:[Clears throat] Well, Agent Scully, I don't really know how to do this... 

Scully: For Christ sakes, sir, not again! [Rolls eyes] 

Skinner: Agent Scully! Mulder deserves to know! 

Mulder: Huh? 

Scully: Here it comes... 

Skinner: Agent Scully, will you marry me? 

Mulder: OH HELL NO!!! Scully, we're out of here! 

Dr.Phil: Yall cain't leave! I still got 30 minutes of air time! 

Scully: I think this goes way beyond some damn hillbilly hosting a so-called advice show. 

Dr.Phil: WHAT? THAT'S HILL-WILLLIAM, TO YOU! [Gets up to attack Scully. Skinner and Mulder get up to stop him. But the two of them end up fighting instead. Dr. Phil is coming closer to Scully. She spits in his face.] 

Krycek: Whoa, buddy! If Satan spits on you, than you're gonna turn into stone! 

[Scully glares at Krycek] 

Dr. Phil: OKAY! We're going ta commershal break! Scotty! Get those two offa each other! Get me a wetnap fer my face![Security guards restrain Skinner and Mulder] _commercial break_

Dr. Phil: Welcome back, yall! In case yer just tuning in we have a love quadrilateral between our guests. Here we have FBI Special Agent Mulder![He is in a straightjacket and chains surrounded by security guards] FBI Special Agent Scully![She is sitting in a chair far away from Skinner] Assistant Director of the FBI Mr. Clean![He is in a white straightjacket in chains also looking obsessively at Scully] Ex-FBI Special Agent Krycek![He is smiling with his hands folded in his lap] 

Mulder: [Looks at Skinner] You look really gay in that outfit. 

Skinner: [Tries to lunge at Mulder and growls] 

Dr.Phil: Hey Security Slave, can you give him another shot? 

[The Security Slave gives Skinner an injection. He calms down and laughs menacingly] 

Dr. Phil: Well, now that we all got our shit straight, let's bring out our new guest! Say hello to The Cigarette Smoking Man! 

[The CSM walks out, with a cigarette in hand smiling] 

CSM: Hello, Doctor. _lights up_

Dr.Phil: Why don't you have a seat and tell us about cherself? 

CSM: No thank you, I always stand in the dark corners of the room. _blows cloud of smoke_

Dr.Phil: Alrighty then. Can you tell us about cherself? 

CSM: The only thing you need to know is that you have no idea. _blows cloud of smoke_

Dr.Phil: Hey Buttercup, why didja bring him here if he ain't gonna say nuthin? 

Krycek: I never get a chance to see my Papa! 

Mulder: WHAT? He's your dad? 

Skinner: No way? 

Scully: Why are you so shocked? Krycek has his eyes. 

Skinner: Oh, now I see it! Thanks for clearing that up, sweetmeat! 

Mulder: Scully, are you feeling okay?? 

Scully: Yup. 

[Mulder sees a half-drunken bottle of vodka] 

Mulder: Scully, have you been DRINKING? 

Scully: Hell yeah! 

Mulder: [Tsk] It's okay. I don't blame you. 

Scully: [Hiccup] Damn, you are so funny...[Laughs and falls off her chair] 

Mulder: Scully! Are you okay? Did you hit your head? 

Scully: Holy shit, this carpet is soft...I'm swell as a bell...Gimme more cow bell...[She giggles and crawls around on the floor, singing "Love in an Elevator".] 

Mulder: Hello! Dr.Phil! Can we get some help over here? 

Skinner: What's wrong with my sweetmeat? 

Mulder: She is NOT your sweetmeat! She's my sweetmeat. Get over it. 

CSM: Mr. Mulder, I have a cure for Scully if you're willing to pay the price. _blows cloud of smoke_

Mulder: Shut up, you say that EVERY time something's wrong with her!! 

Skinner: He's right. 

Krycek: I agree with my wittle Cool Whip! 

Mulder: I told you, I don't like that nickname! 

Scully: You know Mulder, I think I got a fever. 

Mulder: Really? 

Scully: Yeah, and the only prescription is more cowbell![Laughs hysterically] 

Krycek: I like Drunk Satan! 

Dr. Phil: Okay! That's enough! You all should be institutionalized, dammit! 

Skinner: Y'know, I had this dream once where Scully was in my office and she was only wearing--- 

Mulder: OKAY! That's enough! 

Krycek: You know what?! I have something to say! 

Mulder: Shit. Where's that vodka? 

Scully: It's gone, buddy boy! [ Holds up the empty bottle and continues crawling on the ground, now singing "Dream On"] 

Krycek: I have to say Mulder, that I may have my faults--- 

Mulder: Well, we agree on something. 

Krycek: I may have my faults...But at least I don't gaze out windows whenever people mention "Samantha"!!!! 

[Mulder quickly rises out of his chair, staring into space] 

Mulder: Who are we but visitors on this rock, hurtling through space, tethered by unseen forces to a star? Are we alone in this world? What happens when we die? 

Skinner: Oh my God, thanks a lot! Now he won't shut up! Krycek, you really are a fucking idiot. 

Mulder: Do we really know how long we have on this earth? Can one person make a difference? 

Scully: [climbs back into chair] Hey, Mr. Cleannnn, let's do it. Let's get married. 

Skinner: Really?! I KNEW it!!!! We can run away to Vegas! Elvis can marry us! 

[Mulder snaps out of his hypnotic trance] 

Mulder: NO! 

Krycek: [Laughs menacingly] I planted that vodka by Satan's chair so she would get drunk and marry Skinner! And you can't do anything about it. You're single again, my Cool Whip! And you're all MINE.... 

CSM: Excuse me; can you please conduct the psychopath convention down the hall? _blows cloud of smoke_

Dr.Phil: Good Lord, the only person here with some kind of sanity is a chain smoker. 

Krycek: Hey! I didn't come here to be insulted! 

Mulder: You dumb ass! That's the only thing that's happened since we got here! One insult after another! 

Krycek: Fuck you, I'm outta here! Good day to you, SIR! [Pouts and storms off] 

Mulder: What the hell? He's the one that wanted to do this damn show! 

Skinner: Well, if he's leaving, then I am too. I want to get to Vegas by Happy Hour. 

Mulder: Like hell! 

Scully: Mulder, I am a one-man-woman, thank you very much! Let's go to Vegas now, my bald darling. [Skinner and Scully go away.] 

Dr.Phil: It looks like its just you n' me now, bud. 

Mulder: Where's the damn cigarette smoking man? I could use one right now... 

Dr.Phil: He's gone now. So whatcha wanna talk about? 

Mulder: I don't want your fucking advice! I need to stop Scully and Skinner from getting married! 

Dr.Phil: Hey, you son of a bitch! I give quality advice! 

Mulder: No it's not. It's just shit that you pull out of your ass. I'm leaving! [Mulder leaves.] 

Dr.Phil: Damn. Well, audience, it's all gone to hell, but I can assure yall that we will have a follow up episode soon! 

The End 

  
 

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Series Name:   **Mulder, Sweet Krycek**  
Title:   **Dr. Phil Files, The**   
Author:  Dana Katherine   [email/website]   
Details:   **Standalone**  |  **R**  |  **12k**  |  **02/19/08**   
Pairings:  Mulder/Scully/Krycek  |  Evryone Pairnig ;)   
Category:  Humor, Romance, Relationship, AU (Alternate Universe)   
Summary:  Dr. Phil tries to help the dysfunctional world of the x files   
Notes:  nah.i don't think so.   
  
  
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